Unwrapped and Unglued
by infie
Summary: CJ faces his demons... with some help. (Takes place between Christmas and New Year, final season)


A/N: A CJ fic from Infie. A Holidays one, no less! *shakes head* I don't know if you're as shocked as I am, but you should be!

Unwrapped and Unglued 

-Infie

* * *

**(New Year's Eve)**

He just could not get her out of his head.

He'd been trying for days.... no, make that weeks, now, and she just would not get out!

CJ closed his eyes, put up his feet, and leaned back in his chair at the Stand, resisting the desire to rise and start smacking his head into the wall. This was ridiculous. How could one variously enticing and annoying blonde worm her way so thoroughly into his thoughts so quickly? And why the _hell_ was he still obsessing about this? ARGH!

His self-castigation was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. The holidays were one of the busiest times of the year, with the Stand being innundated with people crying out for help. CJ threw himself into each call, each person's crisis, as if helping them would heal his own wounds. He grimaced as he reached for the phone. {Hey, nothing wrong with that, right?}

"This is the Stand." he said, working to keep his voice welcoming. "I want to help you."

"Well, I've often thought I could use some." the green-eyed, blonde haired object of his distraction replied from the other end of the connection. "Is CJ there?"

"You've got him." He winced at the unfortunate wording.

"Hey." She didn't seem to notice. "I just got back from what was quite likely the worst Christmas I've ever experienced." She paused. "So, naturally I thought of you."

"I wish I was flattered." His voice was amused, but his brows drew down in a frown. What did she want? "What can I do for you?" He closed his eyes and shook his head. He was just _full_ of double-entendre today, wasn't he?

She laughed. "You should be flattered, and you can meet me for coffee. I, uh. I really need to talk to you."

Something fluttered in his chest, and he knew that it was probably a mistake to go. "I dunno. I usually do doubles over the holidays..."

"Yeah, me too. Tequila, vodka, etc etc." She laughed again. "Look, I really do need to talk. Please?"

He sighed. The magic word. "All right. I'll be getting off at 9." He wanted the words back immediately.

"Perhaps a _little_ overconfident, there, CJ." her voice was amused. "I'll meet you outside at quarter after." She hung up, and he stared at the phone in his hand for a long moment before doing the same.

His eyes scanned the room restlessly. He had about three hours before the end of his shift, and while he knew that the calls would come in and help him stay occupied, he also knew that it wouldn't be enough. His eyes fell on the unopened bottle of gin taunting him from the top of his desk, and he took a deep breath, and left it where it was.

* * *

**(Christmas Eve)**

Christmas Eve.

Once his favourite time of the year, it now held memories too painful to explore. Well, memories too fuzzy to explore, truth be told. Most of the pain came from the repercussions, not the acts themselves. Like now.

CJ lounged on his couch, feet up, hands behind his head. His cheekbone still ached in fits and starts, and he found himself hoping with uncharacteristic venom that Pacey's back was giving him the same kind of hell. He'd felt the crack as the guy hit the pavement, and the savage pleasure had shocked him. Christ, he didn't even know the guy; had barely met him. Usually he didn't dislike anyone that intensely until after introductions, at least!

But Audrey had already had him pretty steamed. Sure, he knew that he'd been pushing her too hard, but all he actually wanted from her was a conversation. Just five minutes without being brushed off so that he could tell whether his feelings were real or the result of too long without company other than his hands, for Christ sake. But when he'd seen the look on her face as she'd watched them both pulled away, he knew which it was. And he knew he was a fool.

His eyes danced over to the bottle awaiting him. He'd stopped and picked it up on his way home that same night, and had been staring at it off and on since. It was calling to him seductively, beckoning him to fall into its undemanding and unconditional embrace, and as always he found himself shaking with the desire to give in.

He leaned over, picked it up, held it in his hand. Then he set it down again, crossed his hands over his chest, and waited for morning.

* * *

**(New Year's Eve)**

Another six calls ate up the hours between her call and the end of his shift. CJ dealt with them with more enthusiasm than he had in days, and the anticipation churning in his gut labelled him as several shades of idiotic. But he couldn't help it. He wanted to see her. She just had this way of making him feel....

The last call finished later than he'd expected, and he hit the front door of the Stand after 9:30, afraid she'd have left already or thought that he'd stood her up. But, there she was, leaning on the bike rack, blonde hair shining in the streetlight, watching him with a half smile as he approached. He shook his head and smiled back. "Hey, Jen."

She straightened, mischief in her eyes. "Did you miss me?"

"You have no idea."

Her eyes widened, and he blinked. "Uh.. did I say that out loud?"

She laughed. "Yeah, you did." She linked her arm through his and started them walking towards a nearby Starbucks. "How was work tonight?"

He shrugged. "Good, I guess." His face sobered. "There's a lot of people in pain out there."

Jen looked at him sideways. "Yeah, there are." She sighed. "I really admire that you want to help people so much."

"You can, too, Jen. I think you'd be great..."

"I don't want to talk about that." she interrupted him as they reached the door of the coffee house, and put her hand over his when he would have moved to open it for her. "Can we just walk a bit?"

"Sure," he replied, a bit warily, but started walking again. "What did you want to talk to me about, then?"

"Audrey." He stiffened. "And us."

"What about it?" his voice was more curt than he intended, but she didn't take offence.

"Audrey came with us back to Capeside for Christmas." Jen blew her breath out, watching the fog curl through the air. "She got plastered on painkillers and vodka. Then she drove Pacey's new car through the side of the house. But she's OK. Physically."

"She's pretty depressed." CJ shook his head, feeling her pain. "She really needs help."

"Audrey doesn't want help. Not yet." Jen shot him another assessing look out of the corner of her eye, then sighed and stopped walking, turning CJ to look at her. "During dinner, Audrey kinda went off on us." she paused, then continued doggedly. "I guess it was her turn to be the one at the party that tells everyone all the things they don't want to hear."

CJ nodded, face somber.

"She said that she was sorry she shagged my dream boy, but that you were never really mine anyway." Jen laid her fingers against his lips when he would have spoken. "And she was right." CJ subsided, let her finish. "I liked you from the first time I met you, CJ. Even with the whole square thing, and the religion thing, and the Stand thing, I still liked you. And I wouldn't listen when you tried to tell me not to." She blinked, grinned self-deprecatingly. "Even when you told me about your past, I just thought to myself 'hey... something else we have in common.' But you were trying to warn me away."

This time he did interrupt. "I was lonely, Jen." She stared at him in surprise. "When you went to kiss me that night, I wanted..." he broke off, looked away. "I wanted it to end differently. But I knew that I wasn't ready. Not at all. And then, Audrey was there, and she was in such pain, and I just wanted to help her." he shook his head fiercly. "No. I wanted to help myself. I wanted to bury myself in someone else's problems so I could ignore my own. And then, when we got back to my place, we just.. I don't know." he rubbed a hand through his hair. "It had been so long, Jen, since I felt anything like that. And I was so tired of being good. Tired of being restrained. I just..."

Jen nodded, eyes grave. "Yeah. I've 'just...' a few times myself."

It was CJ's turn to snort. "Then, I couldn't believe that I'd given in for something that wasn't real, right? I mean, who goes celibate for five years because they need to 'find themselves', only to sleep with someone under circumstances like that?" his face was full of self-loathing. 

"Someone who has their own wounds to heal, CJ." she clapped him on the arm gently. "Hey, at least you made it five years! That's gotta be some kind of record." she laughed.

CJ smiled slightly, but it didn't reach his eyes. "So that's why I kept trying to talk to her. I mean, I _had_ to have feelings for her, right? I couldn't have let all that time and work on making myself a better person just blow away for a one-night-stand, right? God, Jen... I was desperate. I'd concentrated so hard on making myself better." to his own shock, he felt tears in his eyes. "I wouldn't just blow that on a fuck, would I?" He took a deep, shuddering breath. "Well, apparently I would."

Unexpectedly, Jen hugged him fiercely. She had to stand on her tiptoes to do it, but she drew his head down to her shoulder and squeezed him as though she were trying to hold him together. "I am so proud of you!" she told him when she released him a moment later. "I thought I'd have to hammer at you for hours to get you to see that!"

CJ swayed slightly, cold seeping in where the warmth of her body had been just a second before. "I... uh... thanks." he finally stammered, confused.

Her eyes twinkled at him, bright with compassion and humour. "Of course you would, CJ. Almost anyone would. We all have moments of weakness. And sometimes, when we're guarding against one thing too hard, something else sneaks up and gets behind our defenses."

He nodded slowly, seeing her point. "I don't know..."

"Cutting yourself off from your own feelings isn't the answer to healing yourself, though, CJ." her face was unexpectedly stern, and he was surprised again. How many moods did this girl have? "All that does is keep them alive. You need to let someone in. Believe me, until my Grams finally got through to me, I was such a mess. But it was letting her in that helped me."

They turned and began walking toward the waterfront again, in silence this time, as CJ pondered her words. Was that why he still felt his mistakes as keenly today as when he made them? Because he'd never let anyone in enough to help him feel good about himself? Was he a fraud again?

Jen shivered a little and rubbed her hands together, and automatically he reached into his pocket for his gloves to hand them over. His hand encountered the bottle of gin instead, and he took it out. Jen gave him a startled look.

"Is there something else we should be talking about?" she asked, a little sharply.

"No." he rolled the bottle over in his hands. "I keep it to test myself. I need to know that I'm stronger than it is." 

Jen took the bottle from him, examined it closely. "Oh, I know you are."

Her words filled him with warmth. "Really?" he asked, a delighted little-boy smile on his face.

"CJ, if you can resist someone as adorable and together as me, a simple bottle of gin is nothing." she gave him a cheeky grin. "Though, I don't agree with you on the together part, I can still do 'adorable'." she paused. "But don't ever call me cute. I hate cute."

"Noted. You know, you are the biggest bundle of contradictions I have ever met." he replaced the bottle in his pocket, then took her hands in his, rubbing them briskly to try and get some circulation back into them. She grinned at him and hmmmed in appreciation.

"I aim to please." she looked past him, at the waterfront, where fireworks were just starting to arc out over the bay. She withdrew her hands to look at her watch. "Hey! It's midnight. We've been walking for ages." She looked back at him, then stood on tiptoe and linked her hands behind his neck before he could object. "Can I have my New Year's kiss now?"

"Jen..." he shook his head at her, planes of his face lit by the fireworks. "I'm just not ready." His eyes shone with a mixture of fear, panic, and longing.

"I know." she told him firmly. "I'm not asking for anything beyond this minute. But it's New Year's," she looked around pointedly, then gave him that gamine grin again. "And I have no one else to kiss. Do you really wanna mess with tradition?"

He couldn't help it, his lips quirked in response. She was too short to steal the kiss unless he co-operated, and finally he ducked his head to give her a peck on the lips. He pulled his head back and stared solemnly down into her startled eyes.

A moment later, his lips came back down on hers. A real kiss this time, and he lifted her in his arms to bring her closer to him. She kissed him back with enthusiasm, then broke away with a laugh.

"See," she told him, eyes sparkling. "Now we know it'll definitely be a good year!"

CJ still felt faintly stunned at the storm the kiss had aroused. He brought himself back with an effort. "You are so very dangerous to me." he told her softly. She grinned at him cockily, then darted forward and snagged the bottle of gin out of his pocket. She dropped it in a nearby trashcan.

"I guess you'll have to keep me around to test yourself with, then." she told him, taking his hand and turning him to watch the fireworks. "Though, I've gotta tell ya, this is definitely stronger than me." she didn't sound worried.

"Hmmm." He huddled tighter into his coat, tucking her hand, and his, into his pocket. "I guess that means you'll have to come work at the Stand with me. I'll need to have you around a lot." he gave her a warm look. "For testing purposes only, of course."

Jen laughed. "God, you are persistent!" she thought a moment. "OK." she said. "I'll come and work with you, for testing purposes only, and in return, you'll let me help you."

CJ smiled into the darkness. "It's a deal," he said. "You start tomorrow."

Jen's hand squeezed his in the depths of his pocket. "Huh," she said. "I thought I started tonight."

**{END}**


End file.
